Changes – Continued


I’m picking up where I left off on my first Changes post.

So, I got out on September 22, 2019. I left my daughter with him because at that moment, I did not feel like she was in any physical danger. Looking back on it, emotional danger might have been an issue. As I was crying when things were going on, he not only laughed at me, but got my daughter to laugh at me, too. It was humiliating.

My sister-in-law convinced me to come stay at her place. I was grateful to have someone support me, so I went there. We didn’t talk much about things, so I went to bed early. As I was laying in her guest bedroom, I contacted the police department in my city (my sister-in-law lives in a different city). I explained the situation and advised that right now, I was safe. I was urged to make a police report. After contacting the police, I started sending out multiple e-mails to different divorce lawyers in the area, explaining my situation. Then I tried to sleep, but didn’t get too much before it was daylight.

In the morning, before my sister-in-law and her husband woke up, I left their place and went direction to the police station. I made the report about everything that had happened, including the marital rape that happened in June 2019. After getting the report, I met with a social worker who provided information on local domestic violence organizations. I was told that a detective would be assigned to the case and would reach out to me in a couple of days.

Once I was done in the police station, I went out to my car and sat there for a while trying to figure out what to do next. The only thing I could think of was to call my estranged husband’s cousin. She and her family had a big house so I thought my daughter and I could stay with her for a while. I sent her a text and inquired about it. She was confused because she didn’t know what was going on. She said that her parents (who were visiting) would be an issue, and she didn’t know how she would explain it to them. I told her never mind, we would just go to a shelter. She called to talk to me and told me not to go to a shelter, to go back to my sister-in-law’s, and she would come to speak to me later in the evening. She asked me where I was – I just told her a parking lot. I completely left out the fact that it was the parking lot of the police department.

So later that evening, I’m at my sister-in-law’s and his cousin shows up. I’m laying in bed, and she comes to the bedroom. She sits on the bed, and I thought we were just going to talk. She surprises me by telling me that my estranged husband and her husband were there and she wanted to invite them in so we could all talk. I didn’t want to do it, but she kept saying that we needed to talk things out. So I reluctantly agreed.

During this so-called talk, his cousin mediated. At that time, my understanding of divorce law in the state was that you had to be separated for 6 months before you could file. Additionally, divorces are no-fault, always divorcing for irreconcilable differences. I explained this to them. It had been agreed to the talk that my estranged husband would live with his sister, with him even saying in front of everyone that him living with me would “negatively impact” my overall health. I hesitantly agreed to this, with the request that his guns be removed from our home. His cousin’s husband said that he would take the guns and kept talking like maybe in 6 months, we would reconcile. I kept thinking, one, that’s not going to happen, and two, they’re discussing these things with me without even knowing that I’ve already gone to the police.

All of this happened on September 23, 2019. I consider this day to be the first day of freedom for me and my daughter. Unfortunately, things wouldn’t be as easy as that.

Please share my GoFundMe campaign in my fight against domestic abuse and a better life for me and my daughter.

Changes


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I’ve often said that the only constant is change. Change is so prominent in my life right now, that the turbulence has threatened to topple me. But, here, I stand.

Let’s play some catch-up. I have been in spousal abuse therapy for over 6 months to deal with various forms of abuse in my marriage that I’ve been living with for 12.5 years. I always considered myself a strong, independent woman. I never thought that I would allow myself to be victimized, but as a survivor, I have come to understand that things are much more complicated than that.

I started the individual therapy because of a series of events. I learned in January 2019 that my soon-to-be-ex-husband had multiple profiles on dating sites…AGAIN. Yes, this wasn’t the first time I had caught him in his virtual impropriety. Always upsetting, this event triggered a severe manic cycle that lasted 3 weeks (for those who don’t already know, I’m bipolar). During those 3 weeks, I slept very little, go a LOT done, and as is usually the case with mania, felt an exhilaration that is incomparable to anything else I’ve ever experienced. My psychiatrist, rightfully so, took issue with the fact that I allowed it to go on for so long. Because of the matter, she changed my mood stabilizing medication. Unfortunately, I never did get regulated on this new medication as it made me WAY too lethargic, and I even slept through my alarm a couple of times, making me late for work. So my medication was changed again, but I couldn’t get that prescription filled because even after insurance, it was too expensive. So, my doctor changed it again to the medication that I was originally on when I was first diagnosed 18 years ago. So far, so good.

Also during this time, starting in March 2019, we began marriage counseling. For me, this was a last-ditch effort to get us on the right track, if that was ever even possible. We had maybe 5-6 sessions before we stopped going because he admitted to me that it “wasn’t working,” he wasn’t getting anything out of it, and he only agreed to go because I kept nagging him about it. In sum, there’s nothing wrong with him and no need for therapy. This is the same song I had heard over and over again throughout our marriage, as is typical with narcissistic abusers.

My next step was individual therapy, specifically to focus on the stress of my abusive relationship and get me to the point where I could safely and confidently walk away. I began individual therapy in April 2019, which means I just past my 6-month mark. A lot has happened in that time.

Most notably, a horrendous incident happened over the summer. I was in bed, unconscious from drinking too much wine. He came into the bedroom and started touching me. I rolled over and pushed him away. I came in and out of consciousness, semi-aware that he was taking advantage of me. At one point, I saw a flash of light. Before long, I’m back asleep, and he leaves the room. The next morning, I inquire about the previous night and the flash of light. He admits that we had “sex” and that he recorded it on his cell phone. He then says that he deleted the video. I was stunned, but not surprised because this same scenario had happened once before when we lived in Seattle, WA. What I didn’t recognize at the time was something that I would process later – this was an instance of marital rape because I was unable to give consent and even physically turned him down by rolling over and pushing him away. Regardless, he still did what he wanted and even recorded it without my knowledge or permission, as if I would consent.

He and my daughter traveled to India for the month of August. I was a bittersweet time for me. I fiercely missed my daughter and hated myself for missing my abuser. I even told him at that time that I hated the fact that he was the first person I thought of when I was hurt. Unfortunately, bonding with the person who traumatizes you is common. It has been emotionally difficult to deal with, for sure.

When they returned, my daughter started school, and things were getting back to normal. Which normal for us, was actually a bad thing. On September 21, 2019, my estranged husband explosively lost his temper, as he was apt to do, because my daughter didn’t answer her cell phone when he called. He busted back into our apartment, called her stupid, called me and her idiots, then proceeded to make fun of me and call me a fat ass. At this point, I just sat on the couch and took it as I realized that this was indeed the end.

The next day, September 22, 2019, my daughter and I were cleaning her bedroom and re-arranging things. She and I got into an argument over how to do things. My estranged husband inserted himself into the argument and had the audacity to tell me not to yell at her. That struck a nerve in me that will forever resonate across the universe. I turned my attention to him, refreshed his memory on what he had done the night before, and suggested that he was in no position to tell me not to yell at her after he called her names. The argument escalated to the point that I booked a hotel room, got some things together, and was prepping to leave. At this point in time, I feared that the only person who was in actual danger was ME and not my daughter. I went to get my keys, and they were gone. He had hidden them in an attempt to keep me from leaving. I demanded to have my keys back. He ignored me. I said that it didn’t matter because I could just UBER to the hotel. He then ordered my daughter to physically block the front door so I couldn’t leave. I then pointed out that what he was doing was unlawful detainment, and if he didn’t give me my keys, I would call the police. He gave me my keys, and I left.

I will pick up on this story tomorrow. This is way too emotionally draining for me right now, but it’s a story I’ve got to tell.

If you would like to contribute to my GoFundMe, please do so. Every little bit helps. In the very least, please share the link with as many people as you can.

 

Escape from Abuse


Greetings, all!

I know it has been quite a while, and much has changed in that time. I’m hoping to use this blog more often to help process the daily struggles that I am facing.

I have been in spousal abuse therapy for over 6 months. I have been in an abusive relationship for well over 10 years. It took 6 months of therapy to get me to the point where I can finally free myself.

Unfortunately, the divorce process has become quite contentious. The future is sure to be filled with legal issues, court dates, and reliving traumatic events that cause me great emotional pain.

I was at the courthouse last week. As I was standing patiently in line to speak with the county clerk, a man and woman began arguing. The man started yelling, cussing, and calling the woman a fat *ss. This hit too close to home for me as I’ve been in this exact situation before. I was so triggered that I began shaking and crying right there in front of everyone. The clerk actually apologized to me, but that did little to help the situation. When I was finished with the clerk, I tried to quickly get away from the commotion, but was shaking so hard that I fell to the ground. The man who had been verbally abusing the woman, actually tried to help me up. I jerked away from him, yelled “don’t touch me,” and got up and ran. It was truly horrifying for me.

This is just a sample of what has happened in the past weeks since September 22, 2019, which I now refer to as “D” day. One day I will be more open with my story. Until then, I need all the help and support I can get. If you can, please donate to the cause:

gf.me/u/vtrqxi

If you’re not able to donate, it’s completely understandable as many of us are going through hard times. Please share the link with others all over social media. And as always, prayers are more than welcome.

Blessed Ostara!


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A blessed Ostara to all who celebrate and a happy first day of Spring to everyone else! A special wish of joy to all of my Hindu brothers and sisters who are celebrating Holi. Mubarak!

To celebrate the holidays, my novella “Finding Serenity” is free on Amazon Kindle through March 24, 2019. The promotion is active on ALL of Amazon’s sites. Here’s the link to the U.S. site: