A Step in the Right Direction


I just had a good talk with a dear friend. I think it was helpful to both him and me. It was an emotional, but civil, discussion – just like it should be.

I won’t say it made me happy or sad. It just made me feel like things are progressing in the way they should, in a healthy way. And maybe, just maybe, the future will be better than expected.

The End of Thanksgiving


Today has been interesting.

For the first time in my life, I was completely alone on Thanksgiving. Instead of wallowing in loneliness, I decided on focusing on rest and peacefulness.

Still, as I look at all the happy family pics online, it does sting a bit. I have to wonder when I’ll have my happy family. I know it will happen eventually, just have to take things day by day.

I did a lot of thinking and processing today. To fuel my self-development, I focused on things in my marriage that I should have done differently. There’s A LOT, but could only emotionally handle thinking of certain things.

I know I cannot go back and change the past. The only thing I can do is make amends, learn from it, and move forward. So I took that first step tonight. I won’t get into specifics, but somehow I thought that once I got it out there, I would start feeling better. Not so much. My heart still aches. I just hope the other person got something out of it, even if it was a good laugh.

I know that the only thing that heals is time, and you can’t rush the grieving process. There are many who need healing in this situation, not just me. I’m helpless to do anything about it except give it time.

I’m just selfish enough to hope that I’m not all alone on Christmas, too.

Bipolar with a Narcissist


When I process things, I tend to do a lot of research. I want to know the facts and empirical evidence to help guide me to logical conclusions and helpful next steps. So I started thinking…has anyone done any work on what happens when a bipolar person is involved with a narcissist? I found this posting, and it spoke to me so much it made me cry.

By Sammy Angel:

“A very addictive relationship which brings out the worst in both. The sadist awakens within the narcissist and the victim of emotions in the bipolar. In my attempt to respond, I could be wrong, but since my mother is bipolar (II) and my father a narcissist (covert), perhaps I can illustrate the dynamic.

As it is known, people who are bipolar experience either (hypo)mania or depression. Also known is that the narcissist feeds on his partner’s responses to receive validation. This creates a very theatrical situation. When he praises the bipolar, the bipolar feels cherished and therefore mood is elevated. The euphoria is visible and the narcissist feels powerful to have caused such.

On the contrary, when he devalues the bipolar, the bipolar breaks down and suffers in an obvious way. This again increases the sense of power the narcissist feels upon his asset. Due to the fact that bipolar provides exactly the display a narcissist feeds off, she is the perfect victim.

A narcissist could exploit the mental condition of someone who is bipolar to make them look unstable because that makes the narcissist feel superior, and then it gives them someone to blame when things don’t work out. The bipolar, being ridden by guilt, takes responsibility for the failure and thus is in a weaker position, always on the defense. This makes the bipolar a prime source of narcissistic supply, as the puppet is responding in a very fulfilling way.

For the bipolar, it can be destructive as the conditioning may lead them to a mental breakdown, since someone is actually orchestrating their mood swings (which can be exhausting).

Eventually, there is an addictive dynamic into the relationship, both ways. The narcissist has implanted seeds of self-doubt and low self-esteem to the bipolar, making her feel she could not survive without him, nor worthy of better treatment. She accepts drama as hard love and creates attachment, while he enjoys toying with her emotions.”

Addiction. This is the perfect description. I feel addicted, even after the abusive behaviors. Sometimes I struggle with not reaching out to him, although logically I know that I shouldn’t. What I know about addiction is that you either go cold turkey or you get help. Everything I’ve read about dealing with narcissists is that you need to break off entirely. But that can’t happen when you have a child. So how to manage this?

Feeling This Today


Truth Hurts by Lizzo – emphasis is my own.

Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Woo
I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch
Even when I’m crying crazy
Yeah, I got boy problems, that’s the human in me
Bling bling, then I solve ’em, that’s the goddess in me
You coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal
Help you with your career just a little
You’re ‘posed to hold me down, but you’re holding me back
And that’s the sound of me not calling you back
Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi dom bi dum bum bay
You tried to break my heart?
Oh, that breaks my heart
That you thought you ever had it
No, you ain’t from the start
Hey, I’m glad you’re back with your bitch
I mean who would wanna hide this?
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick
I put the sing in single
Ain’t worried ’bout a ring on my finger
So you can tell your friend, “shoot your shot” when you see ’em
It’s OK, he already in my DMs
Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi bom bi dum bum bay
I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t fuck with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi
I’ma hit you back in a minute
I don’t play tag, bitch, I been it
We don’t fuck with lies, we don’t do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi
Why men great ’til they gotta be great?
Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face
Best friend sat me down in the salon chair
Shampoo press, get you out of my hair
Fresh photos with the bomb lighting
New man on the Minnesota Vikings
Truth hurts, needed something more exciting
Bom bom bi bom bi dum bum bay

What’s in a Word?


I’ve been called a whore before. Was called one again last night.

It’s funny. People who call me that are showing how they truly do not know me.

I have no interest in having multiple partners, and even if I did, I would be ethical about it – being honest with everyone, even making sure they knew about one another and were okay with it. Yes, the poly lifestyle is not lost on me – it’s just not my thing.

I prefer serial monogamy. I’m selfish, I know, but when I’m with a person, I want to focus all of my attention on them and vice versa. I don’t want the distraction of other people. This is SO ingrained in me that I just woke up from a really weird dream where I could no longer have orgasms unless I was with a Puerto Rican friend of mine. Crazy, right?

I’ll say it again, I don’t want an emotional relationship. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want a physical one – which is something new, something that I really started craving in the past 2 weeks. My rules still apply – I’m selective and want to focus on one person, even if it’s purely physical.

The true reality of being called a whore? The person who does this knows there’s someone and is mad it’s not them.