Blue Christmas


I started listening to Christmas music in the car on the way to work this morning. This usually puts me in a festive mood…and it did momentarily.

Then I realized – I’m going to be all alone on Christmas. For the first time in my life. My daughter wants to spend the day with her cousins. I get that. She wants to have fun, and she should. I have to admit that when she told me that, I felt a stab in my heart. Christmas is supposed to be MY holiday. But I don’t want to deny any joy that she has with her family. So, I said okay – and we’ll have our own celebration, Pagan style, on Yule…with a Yule log and traditional food. I doubt that we will be able to stay up all night to fulfill the role of midwife for the rebirth of the sun, but we can try.

Still, the thought of being home alone, sitting in front of a Christmas tree, probably drinking a bottle of wine…well, that just seems like a recipe for a cry-fest. I need to find something else to do that day. Maybe one of the social groups I’m involved in will be having an activity. Or maybe a friend would want to come over and watch Christmas movies and drink eggnog. Maybe someone from church would want to do something. Or Goddess help me, maybe shopping will already start on that day. I have no money, but just getting out will be enough of a distraction. Or I could become the Jewish stereotype and go to a Chinese restaurant.

I’ll have to start making plans now because it will be here before you know it.

At least I have Thanksgiving with her, even if that holiday is not exactly the same as when I was growing up given her dietary needs on Thursdays (vegetarian only). Not to mention the fact that she doesn’t like turkey! So, a roast chicken the day before or after it is. Maybe I can at least get her into watching holiday movies and decorating on Thanksgiving day.

Sometimes with change you have to create new traditions. It’s not a bad thing, and you have the opportunity to create something even better. But, dang, the start of it sure is painful.

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