I thought I had hit rock bottom before, but alas, there’s something worse.
Yesterday was my birthday. It was by far the worst birthday I’ve ever had in my life. It started with an argument the night before with my ex. Too many expectations over things actually ever improving. I was played the fool again. I made a good faith gesture expecting the same in return, but he had other plans to use the situation for his own wants, as a means to continue narcissistic supply. As they say, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
The argument continued into my birthday. He of course twisted things to play the victim, about how all of this was hurting him, with complete disregard to what I’ve had to deal with over the years. That’s the thing with narcissists – they play on the emotions of people who are empathetic. Well, unfortunately for him, it doesn’t work on me anymore. I no longer empathize with his situation because my feelings are dead. However, the back and forth did cause me to have another day curled up in my bed, crying for most of the day.
The tipping point was when my mom called. I told her I was aggravated. So her response? She hung up on me. Well, f*ck her, too. I left my home because I couldn’t deal with that crazy, too. Toxic is toxic. I don’t need that sh*t from anyone.
The only positive point was my therapy appointment. Speaking to my therapist usually makes me feel better. This session was particularly emotional because we focused on what had been going on the past 48 hours. We agreed that things with my ex were a lost cause because trying to have even a friendly interaction with him was affecting my work, my social life, and my mental and physical health. We further agreed that it was time to pull back for good, to cease all interaction except in regards to co-parenting needs. The reality is, I’m living my authentic life now. I’m letting the real me shine. And he doesn’t like the real me. That’s just too bad, because I refuse to change myself now, to repress who I am like I had for so many years. As the saying goes: “Don’t change yourself so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love you.”
Then my therapist surprised me with something I hadn’t even thought of. She asked me if anyone from his family had wished me happy birthday. Damn. I hadn’t even thought about it, so f*ck them, too.
We wrapped up the session with a bit of a celebration and some caution. We celebrated the fact that I had made good process in becoming more social, particularly with all of the social plans I’ve made for the weekend. She emphasized that this is part of what we’ve been working on for the past 6 months, getting out there and growing my social circle, rather than being isolated by my ex or self-isolating because of depression. She said given the recent events, two things are critical. One, I’m still in a depression and the tendency to self-isolate will be strong. I’ve got to do whatever I can to power through it and keep my plans for the weekend. Having a good time with people that I enjoy is a powerful antidote to the sadness that I feel. Two, be aware of coming mania. When a depression cycle ends, it can stimulate a manic period. This should be concerning for many reasons, but particularly in regards to risky behaviors. The euphoria and disregard for immediate safety can lead to things such as overspending, gambling, drinking, and more importantly, promiscuous sex. She thinks the promiscuous sex is the one thing to worry about. To her, the only downside to my increased socializing is that if mania hits, I will jump on whoever is willing without any regard to the consequences. Point taken, especially since you can’t trust a motherf*cker, and even if I could, I wouldn’t want a relationship anyway. I’ve had enough of that for one life.
The intensity of the session had me reeling a bit. So, I was taken completely off guard when my daughter and I arrived home and my ex was waiting for us. I tried to focus on getting into my apartment and convince myself that he was there just to pick up our daughter. But no, he tried to talk to me. I thought this was completely disrespectful of my boundaries because he knows that when I’m emotional, I can’t talk without things coming out without much thought. So, when he approached me, I said the first thing that came to mind – I told him that he and his family could go f*ck themselves. Yes, in front of my daughter. When I’m in such a rage like that, it’s like I have tunnel vision, and I can’t see anything or anyone in the periphery. I felt like he put me in an unfair position, but I have to take responsibility for my own reactions. This is definitely something to work on in future therapy sessions. We talked about setting strong boundaries, but I need to practice on how to react when someone unexpectedly crosses one of them, without going all Courtney Love on the person.
When my daughter and I got into the apartment, I apologized to her for the fact that she had to see that. She’s too young to recognize the words I chose – I wasn’t apologizing that I had said those things, just that she had to witness it. However, she threw my own words back up into my face. She said, “Mama, like you’ve told me, apologies mean nothing if you don’t stop doing it. And you don’t stop doing it.” She walked out the door, and I just stood there crying.
So, there it is. I officially have no one. In part because of my circumstances, but the rest is my own doing. Now, I’ve got to figure out how I’m going to more forward and improve things for me and her. Until then, I’m still staring into the Abyss, and the Abyss is staring back at me. At this point, I’m becoming the Abyss.
I just feel like I need to get through today. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be there. I want to cease to exist. Not in a suicidal way, but in a suspended in dusk way. For those not in the know, “Suspended in Dusk” is a song by the band Type O Negative. It’s about the regrets a man has about being turned into a vampire. Metaphorically, the song really speaks to life in situations like these, as I really commune with some of the lyrics:
“Damn me Father, for I must sin….”
“I will never again feel your sun upon my face; Or the comfort of a grave; I am not alive and I am not dead; This is Hell on earth….”
“Father, please forgive him; For he knows not what to do….”
“I am forced to dwell in gray Autumnal twilight; I am suspended in dusk….”
Today I work like a zombie, with the occasional message from friends that will bring a momentary smile to my lips. I can’t wait to leave so that I can build my cave in my room, and wallow in my agony, maybe with a bottle of merlot. I’ll sob, I’ll scream, I will punish myself for ever going down this path. Once I get it all out, I’ll take my meds and call someone who cares, or at least someone who pretends to.
You know you have irreparably changed when the illusion of caring is enough to get you through the next moment.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Or maybe it will be another day staring into the Abyss. At this point, my only goal is to go on living, whatever that means.