New Year?

As I lay in bed…bank account seriously overdrawn, very little money for rent, very little food in the apartment…no daughter to be with me…it only makes sense to ask why? Why does this have to happen to me? After everything I’ve been through, isn’t it enough? Why more?

Some would say it’s karma. I’m getting what I deserve for 14 years of living a lie and other bad things I’ve done.

My Pagan self would quote Starhawk, “The pain you feel now just may be the pain of birth.” We often go through the roughest times before something beautiful happens. We even see this in nature – there has to be rot to fertilize new growth.

In the moment though…it’s hard to gain any inspiration or direction from either perspective. In the moment, the pain is all consuming. I no longer feel pain…I AM pain…living, breathing…at least for a while.

In this moment, what’s the point of going on? As I said before, I’ve already fulfilled my life’s purpose…there’s no need for me now. The world would go on the same if I did not exist. And the pain that I am would stop.

If I rot, will something beautiful grow?