I’ve been thinking about a couple of things over the past few days. Specifically in regards to my post about how I want to fall in love again, and the post where I talk about how my therapist warned against risky behaviors if I become manic.
For me, love and sex don’t necessarily go together. I can separate them pretty well – I’ve even been told that I’m like a man in that way, whatever that means. However, if I already have feelings for someone or if I used to have feelings for someone, I can’t have sex with them because it triggers all of those emotions coming back in like a tidal wave of confusion and pain. No need for that in my life right now.
Additionally, I’ve noticed some manic-like behaviors creeping in. I wouldn’t say that I’m in a full-blown manic cycle, but I did have an episode of binge shopping. It was rather controlled compared to my previous incidents. And invasive promiscuous thoughts have been creeping in. For example, the janitor at my daughter’s school smiled at me, and I automatically imagined throwing him to the ground and riding him all the way home. So. Not. Cool.
I have decided that I need to stay away from all of this stuff for the time being. Sort of like how I was celibate in my early 20s. No relationships, no sex, not even if it’s casual.
All of this sort of reminds me of the Buffy speech where she refers to herself as cookie dough. Like her, I feel like I’m not done baking yet. And when I’m done, and I’m actually cookies and not just dough, maybe then I’ll be ready for someone to eat me. Pun intended.