Where Do We Go from Here?

I’ve had a lot to think about since 11 p.m. last night.

None of it good. Questioning why I’m here, should I stay, should I give Death the big wet kiss I’ve wanted to give him since I was 11?

I’ve loved – a little – and lost a lot. My biggest fear is that I’ve finally lost my daughter. She doesn’t like me. Says I don’t take care of her. It’s a different kind of pain when those words come from your child, especially one you put your life at risk to bear. I just hold fast to the idea that one day she’ll know…one day she’ll know….

Until then, I’m all alone. I’ve done good, I’ve done lots of bad, and in the end, I just try to put one foot in front of the other. But it’s not enough anymore. Nothing is when you have no purpose in life.

I don’t know what the future holds. I just know that Illinois has been poison for me…and I’m choking on it, can’t breathe. If I can do anything, I think in the short-term, I will save enough money from my new job to buy out the lease at my current apartment. I will then look for something closer to my new job. I will put in a few years there, then I’ll leave this hell-hole. My heart is in Seattle, but I think for an absolute brand new start, California is a better option. I still have contacts there, which will make it easier.

These are all tentative plans – dependent on whether or not I survive. I’ve decided not to see the doctors about my lung issues. Whatever it is, let nature take its course.

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