A Good Fight?


I talk a lot about mental illness on here and sometimes about my physical health challenges. In 2018, they were awesome…2019, not so much.

On the mental health front, I’m back to having regular panic attacks. Three times were near blackout panic attacks, one of those landed me in the ER.

Now, before I delve more into that, I want to talk about what has went wrong with my physical health this year. In 2018, I lost 93 pounds – although some very close to me continued to make fun of my weight. I no longer had hypertension, type II diabetes, or high cholesterol. It was a huge personal win.

As my marriage went into its final stages of deterioration with the collapse of marital counseling, I struggled to maintain the weight I had lost. I continued to work on it in therapy and with my weight loss doctor, and it became increasingly difficult because of the regular stressors and triggers of my home life. Around the time that me ex and I both prepared divorce petitions, I completely gave up on my physical health. I stopped seeing my weight loss doctor and my bingeing got out of control – one time, in one sitting, I ate 4 sandwiches, 3 large candy bars, and a package of donuts. Needless to say, I have gained 60 pounds back in a very short time. I continue to talk to my therapist about this, but with everything that has happened in the past few months, she’s been more concerned with addressing other forms of self-injury and any possible suicidal ideation. We made the plan to again start addressing the bingeing with the new year.

During all of this, I had my annual physical. Still no hypertension, still no diabetes, but cholesterol a little high…and some other concerns.

Then the panic attack that landed me in the ER. When I was in the ambulance, my BP was 156/119. Because of my heart issues, they gave me a bunch of aspirin and one nitroglycerin. Once they got me to the hospital, they ran all kinds of tests, including a CT scan. It was determined, as I said, that it was a severe panic attack, but there were some concerning things, including nodules on my lungs, plaque buildup in one of my arteries, indicators in my blood for risk of blood clots…and some other things that my PCP talked to me about.

Given everything that has happened in 2019, I have made the very personal decision not to get further testing or treatment for any of it. At least not for now. The only thing I will continue is my therapy. I feel the need to focus more on my damaged spirit and let nature take its course. When I get to a point where I feel like my spirit is healed enough, I’ll look more into the physical side of things.

I do realize that it may be too late at that point, and I’m at peace with that. I’ve already fulfilled my life’s purpose – to give the world my daughter because I know she will do great things, much better than I ever dreamed of. Everything else in life is just gravy.

For as Pagans believe, death is but only a new beginning. So mote it be!

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