I can’t sleep. Too many bad memories coursing through my head. The really bad, scary memories…the kind that have had me crying for almost an hour.
These are the times when it’s most difficult to be all alone. I know I have the strength to weather any storm, but sometimes even the strongest women want to be held as they cry. I had that recently with a new friend, before that friend was torn away from me out of jealous rage. And I’m sure he’s somewhere laughing.
I realize now that once I went into the acceptance phase of my previous relationship being over, the emotional support at times like this is why I so frantically began to try to find new friends. Not just to widen my social circle as my therapist had been suggesting, but also so I wouldn’t feel so alone on nights like this – even if the support was in the form of a phone call.
After years of being yelled at whenever I cried, I just want someone to be present, show compassion – and don’t tell me it’s going to be okay or what I need to do to “fix” things – just let me get it out, without judgment. And if needed, hold me while I feel like I’m falling apart.
I’ve been isolated for so long that when I have felt like this over the past few months, the first person I would think of was the same one who would yell at me for crying over the years. It’s completely illogical because you cannot expect your abuser to help you heal from the abuse. But when you feel like that’s all you’ve got…it makes the loneliness nightmare even worse.
Although I continue to weep and grieve, I still try to form new connections with local people who just maybe might be able to be that person for me in the future.