Category Archives: anxiety

Getting Real about Getting Healthy


hope concept

Much has happened since we moved to the Chicago area.

I spent a month on the couch in severe pain. Testing showed that I had ovarian cysts and a tumor, which required surgery. After the surgery, we learned that I have Stage IV endometriosis. During the first surgery, much of the endometrial tissue was removed, along with my left ovary and fallopian tube. Unfortunately, since I’m Stage IV, I still experience continual discomfort with random episodes of sharp stabbing pain. To treat this, I will be having a full hysterectomy in January, which will mean six to eight weeks of more healing time.

Given my physical health challenges and a familial episode that was sparked by my sometimes illogical sense of aggravation, I decided it was past time to really be serious about my overall health–for my benefit and my family’s benefit, particularly my daughter, Maya, because she deserves a healthy and happy mom. To this end, I decided to accept the diagnosis I was given when I was twenty-six. I went to a psychiatrist for re-evaluation and was finally honest about some things that I had never told a mental healthcare worker before–specifically about my compulsive spending, days of elevated irritability, and episodes where things seem to explode and my behavior becomes erratic (which often leads to self-injury). The psychiatrist confirmed what I was told fourteen years ago–I have bipolar II with hypomania. I’m not rejecting the diagnosis anymore.

For now, I’m on new medicine, and so far the change has been so amazing, I’m mentally kicking myself for not doing this sooner. Of course I will likely have to fight the urge that I had so many years ago–once I feel good for a while, I will need to resist the urge to convince myself that there’s nothing really wrong with me, those episodes were just me having a “bad day.” More recently I had justified all of this by saying that I had an intolerance for a**holes. Like I told the psychiatrist, with so many different episodes with different people, the only common denominator was ME. Therefore, I need to get over myself and accept the fact that I’m the one with the issue so I can treat it and go on with my life.

So that’s what I’m doing. As you can expect, you will read much more about my journey in upcoming posts. Until then, health and blessings to all.

Columnist with A View Featured Column


Am I Normal Concept

I was lucky enough to be asked to write a column for the up-and-coming website “Columnist with a View.” My piece is “Writing to Survive.” My column is a very personal piece about how I got started as a writer.

Be sure to check it out along with all the other wonderful columns by awesome writers. I highly recommend it to all!

My Life Beyond Fat, Part I – The Beginning


Broken heart sign, loss of love concept

I don’t ever remember a time when I wasn’t fat. However, it has taken me over thirty years to type that sentence. When I was younger, I would have been mortified if someone said the “f” word. When it came to my self image, I knew two things when I was younger: I was fat, and fat is unattractive. As many young girls in our culture do, I deduced that I was unattractive. And because of this deduction, I was mortified when someone said the “f” word because they were basically saying I was ugly.

Adolescence is a perilous time. If children can be mean, then teenagers can be downright evil. Along with growing up being told that I was fat (sic ugly), and that I “had such a pretty face if only I could lose weight,” in middle school an older student branded me Shamu. When everyone would snickered, I joined the laughter as if I were in on the joke instead of being the joke. Little did they know that the laughter was merely the embankment for my tears…tears that I would later expel in the privacy of my bedroom.

The media only compounded my debasement. Bear in mind that a significant part of my adolescence occurred in the 1990s during the height of “heroin chic.” As I would gaze longingly at the magazines in the grocery store checkout, I saw no reflection. I could not see myself in those pages. I would look down at myself and silently pray that God could transform me into the gossamer models that seemingly everyone either favored or emulated, sometimes both.

Then there was me. The opposite. Not to be favored. Not to be emulated. Not to be loved.

The media images and name calling built into a gospel cacophony. As in all things, repetition builds fluency, and I soon became an expert in fat and shame.

Josh Duggar and Respecting Survivors


Hand writing Hope concept with black marker on transparent wipe board. Hold On, Pain Ends.

**WARNING**Possibly triggering material (abuse/sexual assault)**WARNING**

I have been thinking a lot about Josh Duggar recently. If you follow my blog, you already know my thoughts on this issue from my post The Ignorance of Well Doers.

An author friend of mine brought up a good take on this media hailstorm. With everything being brought to light in the media, what is the impact on survivors? As I discussed in my previous posts, the anxiety, PTSD, triggers, and flashbacks associated with being a survivor can make daily functioning cumbersome and mentally/emotionally exhausting. With this in mind, I think it’s reasonable to assume that all of the media talk will trigger survivors even more.

Is the solution NOT talking about it in the media? As a survivors’ advocate, I cannot tolerate the idea of keeping “hush hush” about these issues. When we don’t talk about them, when we’re silent, the result of these hidden horrors is that no credence is given to a very serious social issue in our country. Out of sight, out of mind. We collectively stick our heads in the sand and go about life like there is no darkness shadowing the lives of many children and adults who live with these issues every day.

Does that mean that specific incidences, such as the case with Josh Duggar, should be publicly discussed? By doing this we’ve went from the realm of discussing a social issue to be very specific about a particular perpetrator, which in turn forces us to talk about particular survivors. My initial response to this is that survivors are living it every day regardless. And in my opinion, when you make the choice to live your life in the public eye as the Duggars have, you open yourselves up to very public scrutiny. Yes, your private lives and skeletons become fodder for the media and public opinion. Is this right? Quite frankly, as a consumer of various media, I want to know certain things – especially anything that is considered public record – because there are certain people that I refuse to support in any way. I do not believe that people such as child molesters should be given a public forum. These are not the people we should be rallying behind.

Many have said that we should be forgiving and that he made a “childhood mistake.” I’m all about forgiving mistakes. This is how I define mistake – if you do it once, realize the err of your ways, and don’t do it again, THAT’S a mistake. If you do it more than once, like five times, that’s BEHAVIOR, not a mistake. Note, this does NOT mean that I think someone who abuses only ONCE is off the hook – the impact to the survivor is the same regardless how many times a perp offends. I’m just outlining a very specific difference between incidental criminality and habitual offenses, a difference that the law also defines.

We still have the issue of triggering the survivors. I’m torn up about this issue. On the one side, I would never support doing anything that would purposefully or inadvertenly force a survivor to relive any trauma. At the same time, by remaining silent on these issues we begin to fool ourselves that there is a sexual assault problem in this country. Through talking about it, we can educate the public, and more importantly, provide survivors with needed resources to begin – and continue – the healing process. For me, I will continue to talk about these things – even scream at the top of my lungs about them. Out of respect for the survivor issues, I commit myself to always preface a post or video with a trigger warning. This way, survivors can make the decision to read/see the material. The media would do well to do the same.

For more information and resources on sexual violence, visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.

If you’re a parent dealing with the heartache helping your child heal, read When Your Child Has Been Molested: A Parents’ Guide to Healing and Recovery.