I thought I had somewhat of a plan for the next few months. But just like everything in life, things change and you have to adjust or become overwhelmed. I’m not saying that I’m not overwhelmed, I just refused to get buried in it.
Because rent can be so expensive around here, I can make ends meet (most of the time), but have little else to do anything, not even take my daughter to the movies…that’s how tight it can get. I had the wonderful idea to get a roommate so my portion of the rent would be cut in half. Unfortunately, my daughter got it in her head that she doesn’t want strangers in the apartment. Not only when it comes to roommates – but with any of my friends, too. She said she was uncomfortable with strangers being here even if she’s not here herself. My immediate reaction is that in regards to a roommate, I either have to suck it up, or I have to get a roommate that she already knows, which would be a tall order. Additionally, as you know, I’m in the process of widening my social circle, but now it seems like I can’t invite any new friends over to my place because they’re “strangers.” This part is in some ways insulting because it implies that I lack good judgement when it comes to other people and that I would in someway jeopardize our safety.
I’m at a loss. So, now I need to figure out the apartment situation and create a way to grow my social circle without ever having any get-togethers or movie nights at my place. Not even having a gal pal over for wine. Ridiculous.
Anyway, I started thinking yesterday about what I want this life factory reset to look like, specifically in the next 6 months. That would put me into June. This is a list in progress, but it’s what I’ve come up with so far:
- Focus on the home. Now that I have the chance, I need to create a living space that I actually enjoy being in. I need to be surrounded by the spiritual side of things and begin incorporating that into everything that I do. So, I’m starting off by reading the book “The House Witch: Your Complete Guide to Creating a Magical Space with Rituals and Spells for Hearth and Home.”
- Get my daughter more involved in activities. I see how she’s starting to pull away and isolate herself, not to mention behavioral issues that are only going to get worse as she becomes a teen. If she’s not comfortable speaking with a professional, I need to get her bonded to others and her community by getting involved in various activities. In the very least, these activities will keep her mind engaged and distracted from everything else. Our first step is a Python coding workshop for girls on Saturday. I must admit, with her artistic talent, by integrating digital tools, I had a brief moment of envisioning that she would have a career like mine in a sense. I don’t mean that she would become an instructional designer, but that she would successfully use technology to create beautiful things that will teach and/or entertain people.
- Begin journaling every day. I am definitely going to continue writing on this blog, but I also got a guided journal to help me focus my mind on more spiritual things. It’s entitled “The Mindful Witch: A Daily Journal for Manifesting a Truly Magickal Life.” One of the things I talked with my therapist about is that now that I’ve gained so much weight, I need to get back to being healthier. I told her that this time around, I didn’t want to separate physical and spiritual health, but to integrate them into an overall lifestyle change. Previously, it has helped me think of things like exercise as a form of devotion – when I change my perspective in that way, it becomes less of a burden and more of a joy. This is something that will take a while to develop, but it will definitely be worth it.
- Continue to post something on my Facebook page, everyday, about what I’m thankful for in life. I really think that by focusing on gratitude, we have less and less time to focus on anger and sadness. It takes practice, but the more we do it, the more we realize just how much we do have to be thankful for in our lives.
- Continue to read other self-help books about healing from trauma. Some of the techniques you can learn in these books can be quite helpful, in addition to anything you may learn from a doctor.
- Stay somewhat in touch with my professional network. I’ll admit, in some ways, my career has taken a downturn since all of these changes started in September. I wasn’t able to take the managing editor position for the digital newspaper of the Chicago area chapter of ATD because I wasn’t in the emotional headspace. And likewise, because I wasn’t in the emotional headspace, I got no studying done for my APTD, so I didn’t take the test. Now I’m looking at what to do because I had gotten a scholarship which hinged on the fact that I would obtain my APTD in 2019. It didn’t happen. So now I have to figure out how I’m going to rectify that, and if I need to pay the scholarship money back. Still, everything with my career, it just seems like I need to get my personal and home life straightened out before putting too much effort there.
- I’m struggling hard not to just give up on the holiday spirit. So far, my daughter has chosen to spend holidays with others – with the exception of Thanksgiving which I partly screwed up. Now I don’t know if she’ll be here for Christmas…and I asked about New Year’s, and she gave me a look that said she didn’t want to spend it alone with me, she wanted to go to a party like usually happens with her dad’s side of the family. I was hoping that New Year’s would be at least one holiday I got. In my family’s tradition, whoever you’re with on New Year’s is who you will be with for the entire year. I grew up with this, so of course, I want to make sure that I’m with her on New Year’s. Just not sure how that’s going to work out. Still, because all holidays are up in the air, I’m lacking motivation to even decorate. It just doesn’t seem worth it. But, for her I’ll do it. If anything, she needs some sense of normalcy.
- Concerts! Live music is something that I’ve always enjoyed, and I’m hoping to go to many more concerts in 2020. I’m going to Jingle Ball with my daughter this month, although it’s not exactly the type of music that I usually listen to (um, hello, Jonas Brothers?). I’m excited at the possibility of seeing Melissa Etheridge in March and Alanis Morissette in July. Even more exciting, Rage Against the Machine is reuniting for a 2020 tour, and I will NOT miss it, even if I have to go by myself. Additionally, Motley Crue is coming out of their sham retirement to do a stadium tour with Poison and Def Leppard. I missed them in Seattle, and it won’t happen again. Ah, Nikki Sixx. Just seeing him live once will mark one thing off my bucket list.
- A new home. I don’t know if I have posted this before, but I’m in the process of filing for bankruptcy. Between having to buy things for everyday life when money was being withheld from me and the dangers of binge spending associated with mania, my debt has gotten so far out of control, there’s just no way I can continue on – especially when I have hellacious student loan debt on top of it. I want a clean slate, to meet with a financial planner who is sensitive to my needs, then hopefully after it’s all said and done, and I’m rebuilding my credit, I can move my daughter and I into affordable, permanent housing. Maybe a townhouse close to where her friends, and some of my friends, live. She and I have already started building community around here and don’t want to have to re-start that all over again.
This is my work in progress. I will keep this blog updated with anything new. Also, if I come across anything of note during my journaling, I’ll definitely post about it here.
Happy Tuesday, y’all!